Mohd Fikri.

Dear little brother,

I found our lost dusty photo album in mother’s drawer last night. Flipping through it brought back so much great memories. 

I hope all is well at your end. Living in a foreign country, pursuing your dream especially as an outsider can be rather, challenging. It’s been a year since you left the country with your beautiful wife and my endearing niece. Your girls make your eyes sparkle in an indescribable way. I am truly happy that you are happy, and I hope you don’t forget to come back for Raya. 

Do you remember how you were late for your own wedding that I almost had to take your place? Luckily we’re identical but thankfully you got there in time, saving me the embarrassment of having to kiss someone else’s wife, someone else’s in laws. 

Do you remember saving our meal money in our first year of college just so we can buy LinkinPark concert tickets? Do you remember escaping curfew and spending the night with some crackheads near Dataran Merdeka because we couldn’t afford a cab ride back?

Do you remember when I swallowed a dozen Panadol with Coke in boarding school and you panicked and pushed your middle finger down my throat so I can puke it out? Do you remember how I made you swear not to tell our parents or I would tell them you kissed a girl on the lips when we were 16? Do you remember how you thought kissing girls on the lips could make them pregnant?

Do you remember that senior who used to call me to the sick bay and forced me to do things I didn’t want to and how you would gallantly stood up for me and punched him in the face, although he was 4 years older and the head of the martial art squad? Do you remember getting beat up real bad and I had to lie to our parents that you fell off 50 steps of slippery stairs? 

Do you remember how competitive we were at everything in school? I was in the gymnast team and you were in taekwando. I was the head of choral speaking team and you were the head of marching band. I was in the school’s volleyball team and you represent the district in badminton. I scored 4 best subjects and you scored 5. Do you remember what they used to call us? We were the magnificent twin.

Do you remember how we used to cycle together to school, and everywhere else?

Do you remember how we used to climb trees and talk to monkeys?

Do you remember how we used to catch fireflies and put them in our sleeping net so we can stare at them in the dark, pretending we’re staring at the stars?

You don’t remember do you? Because… it never actually happen. You were never there. Because… you were taken earlier than you should. And I had to grow up alone, without a friend.

I wish you were there little brother – so I can share my laugh with you, and my tears too – so I know everything will be okay, because I have you.

I wish we can trade places. Because you would make a better son, a better brother, a better human than I ever would be. 

How can I miss someone I barely knew this much? 

RIP Mohd Fikri.

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