The man I chose to remember today is a man with a big heart.
I’m deeply sorry that I couldn’t carry myself to your funeral. The truth is, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
The truth is, I wasn’t strong enough to put another dead body down the hole – especially when that body is you.
Do you remember the first day we met? You were eager to talk to me. I didn’t know it then but somehow, you find solace in my presence. Perhaps it was my non-judgmental nature that’d drawn you. And from that point, you tailed me like a puppy. You were there during my hardship like a good friend that you are; ensuring my laundry is done, ensuring the house didn’t become a dumping site, ensuring I laugh at your silly jokes, ensuring I eat, ensuring I don’t do anything stupid.
You’ve shown me care and showered me with kindness at a time I had very less of either.
Did you not break my heart? Yes you did. You made terrible mistakes. You made reckless decisions. You abandoned your friends. You abandoned your family.
But I am not here to condemn the past. I am here to remind everyone that we too have made mistakes. And each of us have learnt from our missteps and grown from it. I believe, so did you my friend.
Do you remember what you asked me the first time you saw me by your hospital bed?
“Why did you show up after what I’ve done to you?” My answer was simple.
“Do you remember that night we drove to Shah Alam and you made a promise to me? Do you remember what you promised? You promised that if I die, no matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, no matter who you’re with, you will come to me, to bathe me, to clothe me, to send me to my burial, and to pray for me, no matter how far we’ve grown apart. This is me returning that promise.”
It was that precise moment, when you began sobbing uncontrollably that I knew you regretted everything that has happened. I held your face, and I said, “I forgave you a long time ago.” I meant it. I did. I wouldn’t be there if I didn’t.
I came to see you a couple of times after that. You were making progress and I was hopeful you’ll get back on your feet.
One day, you texted, “I miss you. Please come back.”
I forgot to reply your message because I was swarmed with work but I had planned to visit the hospital as soon as I can.
But I was too late.
Before I could see you, I received the news of your passing.
Know this: It broke my heart when your dying wish was to see me, and I failed to fulfill it.
I’m deeply sorry my friend. I’m deeply sorry.
I know you are at a better place. I wish you had more time.
I will always remember you in my prayers.
I am ready to say my goodbye now.